It is said that we do not choose our parents, that a soul has no choice in choosing its family. But there is also another theory that says souls ready to come back to earth choose their parents and a particular family to learn from them and also to teach them. I tend to believe in the latter. I believe my son chose me to be his mother, knowing full well that it would be a tough ride and yet he and I would form an incredible bond of love and understanding. I never planned on having him but he happened to me…
The journey of my life has been laden with strife, pain, heartbreak and abuse. People have come and gone in my life leaving me broken and shattered. Through all this my bundle of joy has been my constant factor. He is the reason for my sanity. I shudder to think of my life had my son not been with me. He is my source of joy, pride, strength and awe. Awe and bewilderment because despite all that he has been through in his tender age, he has turned out to be a smart, intelligent, mature, reasonable and above all a kind, gentle and sensitive kid.
Ron was barely three when one day his father and I were having an argument and he overheard me saying that I was leaving. He came up to me and said “Mummy please take me with you” and I finally did leave with my baby. And so started a road to hell for the two of us that was to last for many years.
There are some men in this world who are so insecure that they have no qualms about competing with a child for the woman’s attention. When I look back I often wonder…did I do something wrong to make them feel that way? I don’t think so. The love of a mother for her child is something so pure and beautiful that it cannot be compared to any other love. And I think some men are incapable of understanding that and that’s what makes them mean, cruel and ugly. They will do and say hurtful things to shake your confidence, to undermine your love for your child. In the process Ron suffered as much as me, in fact much more. He was innocent and defenseless.
My innocent one had to grow up fast. Life was unpredictable, it felt like you were walking on eggs shells, didn’t know when violence, or abuse would strike. Except for me, there was nothing he could call family. His extended family became his friends. Today he has friends everywhere, and they keep in touch no matter what the distance. He loved the time spent with his friends. However underlying his happy times with his friends, his concern for me and his love for me remained. Wherever he was he kept in touch with me. “Mom I will be late”; “I’m home in 5 minutes”; “Mom are you okay?” are some of the many texts he would send me just to make sure I didn’t worry. He does that even today. Before any sleepovers at his friends’ he would make sure I was comfortable, he would go to the lending library to borrow a movie so that while he is gone I am not alone. My son had become responsible.
Years of unhappiness, abuse and dealing with an alcoholic had taken its toll on me. I was a mere shadow of what I was once. Ron watched me day in and day out trying to cope and save a doomed marriage for a second time…till one day he told me “Mom I’m old now and you don’t have to take care of me all the time. It’s time you give something back to the world, you are so talented. Get a job”. He was 13. My self esteem had taken a real beating, I had to pick up the pieces of my shattered self and take the first tentative step to go out once again into the world outside home. I landed myself a job and my life turned around after that. I became more confident, more assertive and fiercer when it came to protecting my Ron. Our relationship also reached a higher level.
Today I can talk to my son about everything. We share so much. We cry together as well as laugh till we think we will die laughing, we argue, we sulk, and yet both have no ego when it comes to apologizing to each other. My son actually was instrumental in giving me a new life.
There is a saying “A loved is not the person who understands your happiness but is the person who can guess your sadness before your eyes feel”. Ron is that person. He can read every expression on my face. He senses my tears even before they are shed and I am humbled every time he consoles me. Where did all that wisdom come from? Only god is responsible for that! I have often watched him sleep and wept my heart out. Guilt for having put him through so much and so young! Pain for being the cause of his suffering. Once I had apologized to him, “Baby I am so sorry I have put you through so much in life and all because of my choices. You were helpless; you had no choice but to suffer with me.” To which he replied “Your choice was always mine. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but with you”. I wept.
I can go on and on. Today is a world of text messaging where we communicate so much through text. My son is no exception, like any other kid he is always texting. I have saved some of his sent to me and will cherish them till the end.
(i) “I got my award” – he had gone alone to his school in Goa from Guwahati to get his award for being the topper in his 10th board exam. One of my proudest moments when I received that.
(ii) “Chill out…go have a smoke…you earned one…and don’t worry… if I ever leave…I’m leaving with you” – this was last year after we moved back to stay with my mom. All that Ron knew of his life and friends in Goa, I uprooted. It was a very difficult time for him, adjusting. He would often take off on his own and I would tear my hair out worrying that he would do something rash. That text was his response to my “worried” one that I sent
(iii) “You rock! Thank you for being so bloody darn awesome!”
(iv) “Love you, Ma”
And many, many, more….
Ron will be seventeen soon and I wish him all the happiness that he so deserves. He is the blessing that god had destined for me in my otherwise miserable life. This is a tribute to him. I wish all mothers have a son like him. I love you my son, my blessing.